Sunday, February 1, 2015

My Illnesses (WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING & Very Serious)

Dear Readers,
     This is my third retry on this topic. I went off on different subjects and it distracted from the whole point; so I shall try and do this properly this time.
     Let's start from the beginning. On the 3-month anniversary of my 5th birthday (December 14th, 2006) I got an early Christmas present: genetics. Prior to 12-14-06, I was a happy-go-lucky kid. Loved everyone, told strangers they were pretty, gave compliments without a second thought, ate healthy, hated sweets, full of erudition and amity. But you can't run from you're genes, can you? It's inside you. It was inside you from before you were even born; before you were even a thought. I guess it's where the rest of my illness came from. I'm sure it was that one genealogical disease that caused more to pile on. That disease was Type 1 Diabetes.
     A year passed, and it was time to start Kindergarten. Kids at school made fun of me for being diabetic. Calling me 'fat', and 'sugar-mouth', and other harsh names (or at least to a 5 year old). One of the worst kids, not the worst but one of the really bad ones- he has diabetes now. So I guess I got the last laugh? Sorry, that was a bit off topic.
     Kids told me to just eat my problems away- because that's what I did before, right? I don't understand why it was me that had to go through with it. Why me? I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I ate healthy, I was kind, I was intelligent, I was ambitious- why did I have to go through with this? Why did I have to get bullied for something I didn't choose to have? Why was I even left with the burden of diabetes?
     I didn't let it show though. Granted, I burst out crying the second I got through the doors of my house; but I was just fine to everybody else. Too happy, teachers always commented. That's because I changed the voices instead. I made them say nice things instead of the horrid things children should never hear at school. I went to school to feel safe- to block out my home life. I won't go into detail about that; but let's just say me and my mom don't talk all too often.. In fact, we basically avoid each other in the walls of our own home.
     This lead to another present. Any words at all started to change. Kind words turned back into the horrid ones I was trying to escape. I sat alone at my lunch table; fearing that any words at all would be wrong and I would look like an idiot and stupid and a liar and unlovable. I started to escape into my own world, not on purpose; it would just happen. I dreamed of happier times, heroic times, adventurous times; I was basically stuck in a fictional dream world in my head. I thought this was because of my crippling insomnia, but it was actually a mental disorder.
     There's a name for that disorder: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. On my therapy record, it says in notes I don't mind the rain. Simple things will fade away, one day. I'd just like a heads up before a tornado or hurricane or tsunami is blown up at me. And I said some other things that I do not wish to disclose.
     After years on a social media website, www.quotev.com, I learned more about who I was and where my mind was. I vented, I ranted, I learned, I coped, I helped; and I made friendships. But, sadly, all lives were meant to end and now I have a friend who ended with cigarettes and and O.D. of pills and another without a head.
     I struggled with Body Dismorphic Disorder. I starved and binged and purged and I took diet pills- and one time, I forced my diabetes to help me. I ate so much sugar, didn't give myself a shot, didn't check my finger- I knew I was going to die. It was the easy way, wasn't it? Taking advantage of another sickness you had? At the hospital, they diagnosed me with depression, suicidal tendencies, and anxiety. The doctors also noticed I had self harm scars all over my arms and legs. This was in November 2014. My family has yet to get me help; as "getting a therapist is useless. What can they do that we can't?" How about listen? How about not be a judgmental shit? How about keep your youngest child alive because all you've ever done was make her hate herself? How about perscribe me medicine so I'm safe in my own mind for a little bit?
     I can't go any further, because that unlock a part of my mind that I keep sealed up for a reason; and I'm already crying so...I'm sorry for this extremely depressing post. I'll try and lighten up the mood next time. ~Chessi

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Get Ready For The New Year!

As it is December 20th as I make this post, the New Year is coming up. It is a bit too late to make a Christmas post, so I'm just gonna be early for a New Year's post! Yay!
So we're going to want to cute for the new year (unless you're just going to wear sweatpants and eat grapes, then that's fine) so if you want to find cheap clothing online, I recommend www.10dollarmall.com ! Everything is under $10 (6.40 British Pound Sterling) and they have something for anyone from a small child to a plus sized woman.
It really helps me because as I am in middle school, I don't have a lot of money, but I can still get a bunch of cool and fun stuff without blowing all my birthday/holiday money.
On New Year's Eve, I am spending the night at my friends house, so I'll be actually dressing up this year instead of dressing down.
I honestly love casual dresses that can double as formal ones, so I recommend cotton skater dresses. Because New Year's Eve is a night time thing and I want to go for a more grunge-y look, I would go for a dark color (unless you want to play it cute and girly) like plum, black, navy, etc. Now, if you want to play it girly, a skater dress will also be great! But colors like creme, baby blue, cotton candy pink, or maybe even a cute beige would be amazing.
Now, if you want to take a classic edge, I recommend you do the classic black dress, with a white top and a black skirt.
Some of you might not even like dresses! But if you still want the dressed up-casual look, I recommend a skirt. Of course, I'm going to say a skater skirt would be best (skater dresses and skater skirts are life, man). There a million different prints and there is most likely a skater skirt to go with every design (I'm not kidding, go check on Polyvore). Since I like back skirts, I like to go for a pop of color. I have this blue flowy crop top I got from 5-7-9 (a store only in Puerto Rico, I think) that was really cheap and I love it so much, so if you want a pop of color, try something like that.
Since it's cold (this goes for all styles), I like to put on stockings. Sheer black ones are a classic choice, but I like my Ariel + Eric silhouette stockings that I got at Hot Topic. If you prefer leggings, go for it! Hey, it's your body! Go nuts! (Unless you want to stay a chick, or become a chick. Your body, your life, your rules.)
I recommend you get shoes that match your color scheme, unless you're that bad-ass that could put anything on and look fan-freaking-tastic no matter what (I aspire to be you, btw). Heels can be hard to pull off through the entire night (they hurt my feetsies if they're on too long), but if you can do it, go for it! (If you do, you're literally life. If not, you're still literally life. Unless you're dead or undead, but you're still literally life.)
Though dressing up is the main point of your outfit (or, at least, it is for mine), there should be some minimalism. Clipping the sides of your hair back with a lovely barrette or a cute little bow should be great. I like to straighten my hair, so I might throw in some curls this year.
Hope you liked my terrible post, and have fun!
-Chessi

Friday, August 15, 2014

Welcome!

Welcome!

Hello everyone! I am Franchesca, but you can call me Franki, Chess, or Chessi, since that's easier. I'm a fan of a little bit of everything, some things I'm more of a fan of and others I can't really call myself a fan; but this blog is kind of going to be a little here and there.

I was born on September 14th in New York City, but I am currently living in Carmel, New York (which is a bit north, about an hour or so away). I don't like to limit myself to/from anything unless I have my reasons not to. I listen to a lot of music, most of my favorite artists are in the rock genre; I also watch a LOT of netflix and YouTube. My channel is 'sc3n3qu33n', so please check out my videos if you are interested. I really don't know how to explain myself but this is the best I can do. I'm pretty sure everyone writing their about me has that moment where they think wait...who am I? I mean, I like this certain style, but is that something that is me?

Accidental deep thought, sorry about that. It happens a lot so you can expect a lot of that from me. Let me take you on my adventure. So sit back, get your favorite flavor of ice cream in a huge tub, and enjoy the ride.
-XOXO Chessi